every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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