i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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