I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
