i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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