if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Randomize
