btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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