I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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