so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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