I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
