Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
