someone owes me an orgasm
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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