As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
