I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
