We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
