I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
