I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
