you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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