textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
