Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
