Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
