fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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