there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
