It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize