i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
