I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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