I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize