Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
