Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I cut my penus on the lid.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
