The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize