I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
