i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
