shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
