I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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