My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
