Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
