I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
