Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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