Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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