pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
