My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
