there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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