i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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