do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
