well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
