Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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