I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
