just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
