I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
