My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
