Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
