there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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