you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
