I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
try to milk me bitch
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