Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize