I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The uberlube is also flammable
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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