When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
