i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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