fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
