new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
smell my finger.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
