there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
