im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
