He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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