the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
