so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
