The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Randomize
