walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
