She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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