Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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