then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
It's blow job season.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
