walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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