WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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